For a long time, I wanted to feel a deep, loving connection with God. Many describe meeting Christ as an unforgettable experience, a life-altering moment of intense love, like a flash of light in the soul.

For me, that moment either came gently or perhaps didn’t happen at all in the way I’d expected. I was troubled by this and prayed, hoping for such an experience, hoping for a personal relationship with God.

There was no flash, no dramatic awakening. But life did bring me to a moment of crisis, a choice. To choose fleeting earthly joy or the difficult, disciplined path of the Church. Earthly joy seemed appealing—like I could just run wherever I wanted. But I couldn’t. Something weighed heavily, almost unbearably.

What was it? Why did it hurt? The pain was almost physical, centered in my chest—a deep, pulling ache. I began to wonder if the heart could hurt not only as an organ pumping blood but as the seat of our love and conscience.

In that moment, I realized I love Jesus Christ. I love this wise, compassionate, sorrowful man; this all-powerful God radiating mercy. I love Him to tears! My heart aches for Him when I think of His suffering on the cross, when His mother wept. What could anyone possibly say to her in that moment?

It hurts to betray the moments of joy we share—after confession, after Communion, during Easter! It hurts to forget those little joys, those thoughtful gestures He has given me, those tender ways He’s cared for me. I feel like I’m betraying the happiness of my childhood, when God was near, present in my parents’ love.

What’s left if I turn away from God? A gray fog. A feeling of emptiness, of struggling to breathe.

The story of Adam and Eve from Genesis comes to mind. They became mortal because they turned away from the source of life. And what’s left where there is no life? Only death. If we turn away from the light, we’re left in darkness.

And so, I run to the Church. “Father! Embrace me! Hold me! Forgive me! Sin—a step away from You—is so painful!” I don’t need a dramatic revelation. The relationship is already here. I love You deeply.

From the radio program "Private Opinion" on Radio Vera: greh-jeto-bolno-natalija-langammer.html