Wandering in the Dark

More great content, memes, commenting and community not available on this site.

We are also on Facebook and Instagram which have been designated terrorist organizations by the Russian government.

Анна Леонтьева

What I’m about to share is quite strange to me. So, I’ll start with the event itself, and then, if possible, try to make sense of it. The event is rather simple. My beloved husband was heading to his distant hometown, and I had to stay alone in our country house in the Moscow region. There's a small nuance: I had never stayed alone in the countryside before. Fortunately, my daughter had left her charming little dog with me, an endearing guardian who wouldn’t hurt a fly.

After seeing my husband off and completing a myriad of tasks in the city, I was exhausted and certain I’d fall asleep immediately upon returning to the quiet countryside. But that wasn’t the case! As I approached the house, an unbearable feeling started pounding in my heart.

Fear. Unexplainable, illogical, yet possibly familiar to many women alone at night in the countryside—fear.

“What’s going on?” I tried to reassure myself. “The dog will greet you, the neighbors you’ve known since childhood live nearby.” No, this fear wasn’t logical. It was deep, inexplicable, ancient almost.

I started trembling as I entered my dark yard. My hand shook as I inserted the key into the lock. Thankfully, my daughter’s dog burst out of the house, frantically loving. The house creaked suspiciously... Footsteps? Mice? Rats? Burglars?

In the daylight, none of this was there; houses just live their own lives in silence, breathing and settling.

I spent half the night trying to sleep, ignoring the sighs and creaks of the house. The dog guarded and comforted me. By morning, I had fallen asleep, but it was just before dawn, and I didn’t rest well.

The next day, however, I had an online conversation scheduled with a remarkable, very inspiring priest’s wife. It was for work. I began the conversation feeling pale, very weak, and burdened with heavy thoughts: Would the next night be just as terrifying?

We talked about how an Orthodox person can understand what they truly, deeply want on a soul level. How to grasp this deep truth? To love yourself so you can love others as part of your self-realization. Simply put: to understand where and how you can serve God and your neighbor. But, importantly, to serve as God has given you the talents to do so. This requires deep introspection, considering the talents you have been given and how to express them.

The priest’s wife delved deeply into this topic, prompting me to ask myself: What do I REALLY want? Under the impression of this conversation, I stepped into the yard of my house. Think, think! How do you understand what you want? True desires, instilled by the Creator?

After preparing lunch, walking the dog, finishing some work, brewing tea, and calling my children, night came. And—what a miracle!—I looked at it thoughtfully and without fear. What do I want? What does God want from me? These questions were too serious to waste life’s time on anxiety. It was as if the priest’s wife, with one question, cured me of my fear. Or perhaps, as the holy fathers say, of “fearfulness.” That is when you are not afraid yourself, but someone entirely opposite to God “frightens” you.

Be that as it may, the question of self-realization stood before me like a wall. What do I want? What have I been given? How can I serve?

Miraculously, my fears shattered against these questions. In a prayer for help, I fell asleep, with the dog at my feet. It felt as though I had been healed of something unnecessary.

As my spiritual father says: fears are never from God. From Him come only peace, support, and joy. Maybe such an intriguing question about one's true desires can distract someone else from needless empty thoughts and fears?

 

Original article: radiovera.ru/bluzhdanie-vpotmah-anna-leonteva

More great content, memes, commenting and community not available on this site.

We are also on Facebook and Instagram which have been designated terrorist organizations by the Russian government.